Dear Chris Edwards,
Hi. You might not remember me, but I bet your “fellas” do!
I feel I need to apologize and explain my horribly rude behavior to you every time you came to flirt with me. See I was 11 years old and I thought you were the cutest boy in school, so obviously that meant kicking you in the nardies every time you came around.
See, I had just learned that boys can get hurt if “racked” real good. At age 11, it was an amazing concept that I could crush a guy with a mere toe tap. Why I chose to try it out again and again on you I really don’t know…some strange hormonal thing, I’m sure. Plus you were so kind and would just smile, walk away until your color came back and tried talking to me a different way. I SO hope you didn’t have weird relationships later because of my strange hormonal period of life.
Now that I have an 8-year-old I’m scared to death that he might succumb to the same treatment I gave you. I’m hoping that in some way the elementary god’s will find my apology as a sacrifice to spare my son.
I hope you are living a grand life with a beautiful and healthy wife who shares many, many wonderful children with you.
The girl with pointy-patented shoes