I was watching Cali King recently with my folks. If you haven’t see it, you really should. It’s about a father (Michael Douglas) who’s been in a loony bin for a few years leaving his teenage daughter to pretty much raise herself (mother left). He gets out and suckers her in on a crazy treasure hunt. It’s hilarious at times and very weird at others, but at one point they have to break through the flooring of a Costco to get to the treasure. They bust through what the daughter thought was the sewer pipe. He gets all excited because he knows it’s just the water pipe with a lot of sulfur in it. And jumps in.
That makes me want to urp just thinking about it.
Since we’ve moved into this house (4 years ago) I’ve noticed that we get that loverly smell coming through our pipes at the start of every summer. It eventually goes away, but for a few weeks I’m tad bit grouchy.
There is nothing worse than taking a shower in strong, rotten egg juice. Especially when it sneaks into your mouth from time to time. Why bother taking a shower at all?! I could just not take a shower and smell SO much better than that smell from hell.
Do you feel me?
So this morning, I’m trying to take the fastest shower known to (wo)man which is very distracting to my OCD shower habits.
I always shower in this order and there will be NO deviation without totally messing up my day:
1. Drench body in water head to toe
2. Scrub face and neck with pore refinement scrub
3. Wash hair.
4. Put conditioner in hair and leave in until end of shower.
5. Shave armpits – right one, then left.
6. Shave legs – left one, then right.
7. Shave anything else that tickles my fancy. (Oh mother, really! Stop rolling your eyes!)
8. Rinse from head to toe.
9. Rinse off entire shower.
10. Turn off water and towel off.
(That is just some exciting information, people!)
But when you’re in a hurry to escape the jaws of (sm)hell, I have a tendency to get off kilter.
When I shave my armpits I always put my shaver handle in my mouth while rinsing. This morning, in all the hub-bub I put the wrong end of the shaver in my mouth.
I shaved my teeth.
It takes fingernails on a chalkboard to a whole new level.
I started dry heaving and “Ewwww”-ing all over the place and promptly filled my mouth with rotten egg juice.
My 10-step shower ‘skillz’ stopped at 4 1/2 and that was the end of that!
So I sit here with one armpit shaved, greasy conditioned hair, bushy Alice-the-Goon legs, and just a hint of trash all around me. And for good measure a glass of milk to wash away all the bootchy bacteria out of my stomach.
If I come up dead, could you all just forward this post to the CSI guys to save them time and my embarrassment?