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I was watch­ing Cali King recently with my folks. If you haven’t see it, you really should. It’s about a father (Michael Dou­glas) who’s been in a loony bin for a few years leav­ing his teenage daugh­ter to pretty much raise her­self (mother left). He gets out and suck­ers her in on a crazy trea­sure hunt. It’s hilar­i­ous at times and very weird at oth­ers, but at one point they have to break through the floor­ing of a Costco to get to the trea­sure. They bust through what the daugh­ter thought was the sewer pipe. He gets all excited because he knows it’s just the water pipe with a lot of sul­fur in it. And jumps in.

That makes me want to urp just think­ing about it.

Since we’ve moved into this house (4 years ago) I’ve noticed that we get that loverly smell com­ing through our pipes at the start of every sum­mer. It even­tu­ally goes away, but for a few weeks I’m tad bit grouchy.

There is noth­ing worse than tak­ing a shower in strong, rot­ten egg juice. Espe­cially when it sneaks into your mouth from time to time. Why bother tak­ing a shower at all?! I could just not take a shower and smell SO much bet­ter than that smell from hell.

Do you feel me?

So this morn­ing, I’m try­ing to take the fastest shower known to (wo)man which is very dis­tract­ing to my OCD shower habits.

I always shower in this order and there will be NO devi­a­tion with­out totally mess­ing up my day:

1. Drench body in water head to toe
2. Scrub face and neck with pore refine­ment scrub
3. Wash hair.
4. Put con­di­tioner in hair and leave in until end of shower.
5. Shave armpits — right one, then left.
6. Shave legs — left one, then right.
7. Shave any­thing else that tick­les my fancy. (Oh mother, really! Stop rolling your eyes!)
8. Rinse from head to toe.
9. Rinse off entire shower.
10. Turn off water and towel off.

(That is just some excit­ing infor­ma­tion, people!)

But when you’re in a hurry to escape the jaws of ℠hell, I have a ten­dency to get off kilter.

When I shave my armpits I always put my shaver han­dle in my mouth while rins­ing. This morn­ing, in all the hub-bub I put the wrong end of the shaver in my mouth.

I shaved my teeth.

It takes fin­ger­nails on a chalk­board to a whole new level.

I started dry heav­ing and “Ewwww”-ing all over the place and promptly filled my mouth with rot­ten egg juice.

My 10-step shower ‘skillz’ stopped at 4 1/2 and that was the end of that!

So I sit here with one armpit shaved, greasy con­di­tioned hair, bushy Alice-the-Goon legs, and just a hint of trash all around me. And for good mea­sure a glass of milk to wash away all the bootchy bac­te­ria out of my stomach.

If I come up dead, could you all just for­ward this post to the CSI guys to save them time and my embarrassment?

Thanks.